Power of Words…
Your words have power…even beyond what you might already realize. Sure, we know a lot about tone, inflection, and volume, and we think we are aware of our word choices, but are we really? Beyond enabling communication, words can be weaponized or used to empower. Used carelessly, words can cause damage we neither intended nor realized.
For our children to learn that their words have power, we have to model for them this power deliberately and be willing to talk about our word choices somewhat fearlessly. Let me explain. I am not simply talking about the age-old debate of whether or not one swears in front of one’s children. While this is indeed a choice to consider, and while these words too can be used harmfully, often they are used as somewhat empty emotional fillers for which more creative choices could found. My focus here is the larger picture of how we speak to our children and about how they, in turn, learn to speak to others.
Our children are scientists from the moment they are born. They come into the world as absorbent minds, and through their senses they very quickly learn about their environment and themselves. They look to us, their caregivers, for all of their most immediate, most valuable cues. If, as they are moving through the world, trying new things, and making mistakes, the voice and words they encounter are critical, those words and that voice can be internalized. Those words can “stick.” If, when your child makes a mistake, your response is “how could you be so stupid,” what they hear and potentially internalize is “I am stupid.” If, when they don’t clean up their room for the tenth time, you lash out and call them “lazy,” they may start to consider themselves lazy. Your words have weight. Instead of hearing a message about their behavior or how to repair a mistake, what they have heard is criticism of who they are at their core—which leaves little room to improve and, over time, undermines their self-confidence and self-esteem.
Addressing the behavior when mistakes happen and not the person behind the behavior is generally the best place to start when something happens. Admittedly, this takes practice, especially in the heat of the moment. Starting out with “please tell me how this happened” may buy you time to take a few deep breaths while you listen and prepare your next response. Then state the facts and move onto what you need to see happen now and, depending on the age of the child, in the future: “Taking the car without asking violated our trust and now we have a dented fender to deal with. You are going to (help) pay for the repair to the car, and you will need to earn back our trust by….” Obviously, much more discussion will still be needed; however, the focus in the moment is on the behavior–the motivation behind the behavior, the reparations needed, and the growth that can result–not assailing the person behind the behavior.
Like us, our children as they grow can wield words like weapons. Cellphones and social media have created platforms for this kind of warfare, typically without any accountability. Four-year-olds who are not exposed through books or experiences to people of different races might tell another four-year-old her skin is the color of “poop.” The pain children can experience as a result of not feeling beautiful in their own skin even at the age of four can be devastating. As our children grow, hurtful comments can get sharper and more pointed. Children who hurl these words may know they are hurtful and try to disguise them by saying, “Can’t you take a joke?” But there is nothing funny about words that hurt.
Teenagers are “social newborns” (Maria Montessori) who are turning from their parents toward their peers. As a result, the words of their peers suddenly have greater impact than the words of their parents. While parents’ words can still inflict harm, parents now must work harder to feel heard and valued. During this time, you may even feel that your teenager no longer listens to you, so for this reason, you may sometimes find yourself speaking more loudly or sharply; you may run out of patience and, just hoping to be heard, use harsher language. Despite not looking as though they are listening, and despite turning to their peers more (via tech or in person), your teens ARE listening still. They may not feel it’s “cool” to show it or acknowledge you, but it’s important that you keep talking without feeling desperate or the need to speak more sharply. Sometimes in a world of so much shouting, words delivered quietly achieve their goal more effectively.
My favorite place to speak to my teens was in my car. I would be picking them up or dropping them off at one practice or another, and I would simply launch into a monologue about some current topic or event. I would of course get the eye-roll, the staring out the window, the “Mom, do we have to talk about this right now?” And my response always was, “Well, you don’t have to talk, but I am going to.” I never knew how much was getting in, but many years later my kids confessed that they had listened; they even chuckled over my perseverance and vigilance. My captive audience!
You are always modeling for your children, the young ones and the teenagers. Your words, the ones you choose and how you use them when talking about yourself and others, matter. So choose carefully, and when you don’t, own it and have a discussion about it—because that’s a teachable moment, too!
Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She is currently the head of school at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, OR. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.