Learning to unlearn
“I just don’t think it’s necessary to hit your children,” my friend said with a frown. She picked up another fry and reached for the ketchup packet. “Like, why would you want to hurt your own child?”
I stopped chewing for a second to answer, “It’s a cultural thing. It’s not a big deal. Sometimes you just need to instill some discipline.” I spoke calmly, but my mind was racing with frustration and, oddly, anger. She just didn’t get it.
What had started as a light-hearted conversation had now spun into a full-blown debate. I remember thinking, “Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong! You don’t get to dictate how people raise their children!”
I heard myself surprisingly defend corporal punishment, stubbornly committed to the hill I’d chosen to die on. Somewhere along the way, though, my argument started to fall apart because what I really wanted to say was this: “I’d rather be married to an idea that is familiar to me than admit I’ve been wrong about something I’ve always believed in.”
It was only later, as I looked back on that conversation, that I started to truly mull over the things my friend had said: words about teaching children how to react to conflict without lashing out and leading by example instead of fear. Upon reflection, I didn’t disagree with her, and I honestly don’t think I ever did. I had simply fallen victim to defending a belief because of the misguided loyalty I had toward it.
The tendency to be pulled in certain directions, sometimes even against our own values, purely because of belief systems we’ve absorbed is frightening. Sometimes it’s harmless, like subconsciously taking my elbows off the table at a nice restaurant, remembering the proper etiquette at the dinner table. But who decided these rules? Do I truly believe in this seemingly arbitrary set of social norms? Why are we always told to keep our salaries private? Is that something we’ve just enforced without questioning it?
Salary conversations and table etiquette are somewhat innocuous things, but left unchecked, our susceptibility to adhering can be addictive, turning into devotion instead of belief. As I’ve grown, I’ve found myself caught up in it as well, with previously fluid mentalities starting to solidify. At some point, there were certain beliefs I harbored and nothing could change my mind about them. The older I get, the larger this stockpile of unmoving beliefs becomes.
Recently, though, it has felt like an overwhelmingly large proportion of Americans’ beliefs fall into this category: utterly unwavering.
This sort of thinking reminds me so strongly of the social conditioning prevalent in cults, but the word “cult” holds a certain connotation. When I think about a cult, my mind is filled with pictures of Scientology and the Manson Family, and it feels so foreign that the danger of cult-like thinking doesn’t concern me. But cults also manifest in inherited beliefs — beliefs that require complete obedience without interrogation, preying on the vulnerable. When we feel lost, it feels good to be a part of something larger, to be told that you know the “right” way — the “correct” way — and that adapting your beliefs to fit the cult will give your life the meaning you have been searching for.
But even if we’re not part of obvious “cults,” there are quite a few beliefs we inherit without question because of how impossible it is not to let your environment, your experiences and your loved ones influence you (I’ve always brushed my teeth before breakfast, like my parents told me to, and I will never do it any other way). This is called due influence, where we are influenced with our informed consent and a right to question, allowing us to let influence wash over us in its most mitigated form. However, the psychological phenomenon behind falling victim to cult-like behavior is based largely on undue influence. This is different — you’re not allowed to disagree or question; it’s a complete all-or-nothing allegiance to a belief.
Political socialization, the process by which we learn and internalize political beliefs, is often affected by undue influence. It’s often been the case that people learn their political views from their parents, having grown up listening to certain opinions their whole lives. However, it feels like this inclination to belong to a political party instead of believing in a political idea has become even more central to our political climate ever since President Donald Trump was elected.
It makes sense, though. Propaganda has historically always been the best way to create cult-like behavior, specifically appealing to people’s desire to be a part of an elite group and having someone to vilify. During the Cold War, the U.S. did this successfully, inciting hatred for any Communist country, knowing Americans wanted someone to blame for their misfortunes. Similarly, Trump’s administration is now spreading fear of immigrants stealing jobs and DEI initiatives stealing opportunities. He centered a presidential campaign on the danger of transgender athletes ruining others’ chances at success, yet there are fewer than ten trans athletes out of 510,000 students in the National Collegiate Athletic Association. Consistent fear-mongering rhetoric can make molehills feel like mountains, and it feels like the only way to survive the turmoil is to be on one side or the other.
***
Interviewer: “Do you think Hillary Clinton should’ve been charged with treason?”
Trump Supporter: “Oh, definitely.”
Interviewer: “But if it’s found that Trump had the classified documents, would you want to charge him with treason?”
Trump Supporter: “Negative. No, I would not.”
***
This was an excerpt from an interview done by The Good Liars, a comedy duo that interviews various Trump supporters at rallies, pointing to the very clear contradiction between their beliefs — those previously advocating law and order now wearing “I’m Voting For a Felon” T-shirts and those previously concerned about rising prices now relentlessly defending Trump’s tariffs. But this mindset is prevalent within the Democratic Party as well; during the 2024 presidential election, I’d constantly hear the phrase “Vote blue no matter who,” and all I could think about was Mike Bloomberg campaigning for president as a Democrat. To me, a progressive billionaire seemed like an oxymoron, yet he was considered a somewhat serious choice. My vote can’t be aligned with a party because not every person within that party aligns with my beliefs!
Even so, I’ve found myself there sometimes — defending something I don’t really believe in, like hitting your children, simply because if I question one thing, perhaps I’ll have to question everything. I will have to analyze every cultural norm I’ve chosen to believe and try to understand what the right thing is and what I believe the right thing to be.
I understand the tendency to want to belong instead of believe — to be a part of something larger, whether that be a shared culture, religion or even a political party. But I’m trying my best every day not to adopt belief systems from these norms or defend something I can’t quite substantiate — even if it’s something I’ve absorbed from the belief systems I’ve more closely aligned with.
When someone questions me and I feel the visceral reaction to argue, I have started to try my best to hold back before speaking and listen for a second. If I truly don’t agree, then so be it. But if the words I am using to defend my beliefs are someone else’s and not my own, then I know I’m not being true to myself.
In a 2024 Gallup poll, Americans were asked if they believe a third party is needed to represent Americans’ views more accurately. 58% of those surveyed said yes. There’s a voice in all of our heads, whispering that this can’t be it, that the beliefs we’ve subjected ourselves to aren’t completely authentic to ourselves. So I believe that we, as Americans, can regain our ability to question. That’s a belief I can truly stand behind.
Isha Jayadev is a student at the University of Michigan. This article was originally published in The Michigan Daily and is posted here with permission from Isha Jayadev.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.