Of Dogs and Kids
I’ve been spending a large part of my time recently training and learning to train my partner’s new service dog, who is still a puppy, only about a year old, which, in dog lifeline, makes her an adolescent. It is remarkable how much she and human adolescents have in common. In fact, I have been struck more and more by how much my experiences trying to train her and raising teens have in common. This new pup learns in her own way based on a different set of needs and personality. Our first service dog arrived slightly older, more streetwise, and was only ever interested in working. Our new one is a true puppy, distracted by every dog, cat, squirrel, or person we meet. She requires training to improve her focus that the first dog never needed.
- Train the Dog in front of You.
When my first son came home, I thought for sure I knew what to do and how to do it, especially having been (I thought) a pretty good teacher for a while. I had a playbook ready to go, how I would do some things differently from how I was raised, how I had seen other parents do things, and how I would do some things my way. As many of you may already know or have guessed, that playbook didn’t last very long—my son had his own playbook, and soon he was teaching me what he needed. I thought his precociousness put him on track for obvious school success (something I thought I understood), but I didn’t recognize that the combination of his natural abilities and a traditional school settings would be recipes for disaster for him.
When my son’s sister came along about two years after him, the playbook I was now rewriting thanks to my son was equally inapplicable to her. She was, in fact, the polar opposite and needed a brand new playbook of her own! I can now tell you as the proud parent of four amazing kids that each required me to develop all new playbooks, co-authored by each of them. While my oldest was bored in every school setting, the next had very special needs which ended up requiring hospitalization at times; the third was so academic we could barely contain her; and the last one thought himself an athlete above all else (not interested in school) so we found a soccer school, which helped him discover his inner scholar (though it didn’t emerge until sometime during college). All four are amazing and different, and none followed any imaginary playbook I thought I would use.
- Rewards vs Rubbing Their Nose in It
Just like puppies, people respond better and faster to clear expectations, boundaries, and positive reinforcement rather than punishment. The days of hitting puppies on the nose with rolled newspaper, rubbing their noses in accidents, etc. are long gone (and were always ineffective). Now, good dog-training relies on starting early, focusing on the positive, and being consistent. The same is true for adolescents. The earlier and clearer you can establish your boundaries, explanations, and expectations, the easier life will be for you both. We told my son early on that we had to meet the parents of anyone whose house he was going to. Because this practice started in elementary school and continued through middle school, it went on straight through high school without question.
If you do need to take corrective action, it needs to be a consequence that is clearly connected to the transgression, makes sense, and is timely. Adolescents, just like puppies, don’t connect behavior and consequences after the fact just because they make sense to you. Sometimes the “go-to” consequence for parents is taking away the phone (a high value item). It does cause instant pain and suffering (according to teens) but often isn’t connected to the actual problem. For example, suppose your teen fails a test because she didn’t study for it. Your response to take away the phone “until you do better,” while causing shock and pain, is not directly related to the action. A more effective response might be to ask the teen to create a strategy, including a study plan, for how she will make up this test (if that’s an option) and approach other tests going forward. Then ask her how she could use you to support her goals, perhaps creating a check-in schedule together. Also together, decide what will happen if she fails to follow this strategy. It is then incumbent on you to stick to the plan with your teen.
- Training, Treats, and Mistakes
Both puppies and kids need the chance to try, practice and receive reinforcement for good behavior—and you must always remember that making mistakes (regression) is a natural and essential part of learning. Are you providing them opportunities to learn a skill, then repeat it, try it, try it again in new settings with increasing challenges, and continue to get better at it? Do your kids have “jobs” at home that support building autonomy (setting the table, doing their laundry, cleaning part of the house weekly) that you check on and they are responsible for? Do they then get their first job outside of the home (babysitting, mowing lawns, bagging groceries, etc.)? Do they have commitments to teams that they must meet responsibly?
Neither kids nor puppies cement new skills just because they show you they can do them once or twice. They continue to need our support and encouragement and opportunities to practice and be positively reinforced and guided as the skill becomes truly engrained. Scoring one goal in a soccer game doesn’t guarantee the next, nor does it mean they stop practicing between games.
Mistakes will happen, and how we respond will send a message that it’s either ok to keep trying and making more mistakes along the way to improvement (growth mindset) or to quit now and not risk further mistakes (fixed mindset). Perhaps not surprisingly, both pups and people can suffer from the messages we give when mistakes happen. Are we supporting a growth mindset (mistakes happen, what do learn from them, and how do we repair or improve?) or a fixed mindset (do we become angry and teach that it doesn’t pay to try because mistakes are too costly?).
But don’t just notice the mistakes—catch them being good and “reward” that too. For your kids, those moments that you notice matter (and for your pups too!).
- Good Dog, Who Loves You?
Even if they don’t say it back, don’t you stop telling your kids (or your dogs) how much you love them. No, they are never too young, nor do they ever get too old for it. My kids (now adults) end every phone call with me and each other with, “Love you.” If one day it’s the last thing one of us has said to one another, well, it’s a great last thing. Teenagers may roll their eyes when you say it (especially in front of their friends or team), but they would miss it if you didn’t say it. Our pets may not be able to verbalize it to us, but a recent study found that dogs have a positive physiological response to those three little words! Building relationships with your teens or your pups builds the foundation for all the training and teaching going forward. Putting in the one-on-one time early and building that relationship daily will make every other lesson easier and helps create a life-long partnership or parentship.
Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.