It gets better…

There are those moments many of us experience as parents when parenting feels hard, even painful. Our children, our tweens or teens, may become surly, disrespectful, or sometimes even downright mean to us. Surely, this behavior is not what we had in mind when we held that delightful bouncing baby in our arms not that long ago—or even more recently when they delightedly took their first steps toward us or brought home “hand turkeys” (or other fine pieces of art) lovingly painted for our refrigerators, and we proudly boasted of all their achievements and milestones to our friends. But now, now, something has shifted as they turn the corner of their teens, and we might not be ready for this next stage to land quite as harshly as it sometimes does.

So what does this stage mean? How long does it last? And how can we and our children all survive it successfully together? Although there is no “one size fits all” answer, there are some things you can keep in mind, to help you if you find yourself suddenly with a child who barely wants to speak to you, slams doors, or even tells you they hate you (after they tell you how much you don’t know or understand anything). My partner’s response at one point was to remove any door that might get slammed (an engineer’s answer to the problem), and while it solved one issue, there are others which remained. So let’s look at the whole picture.

Why the sudden change? As children grow into tweendom, they developmentally turn from their parents to their peers. They are becoming more socially aware (sometimes described at this stage as “social newborns”), and these new connections and relationships become their priority. They do not yet have a fully formed frontal cortex to help them critically think through things. As a result, although they prioritize their peer relationships, parents remain vitally important: You become, in essence, their frontal cortex. For a while, you will need to provide the boundaries and be unpopular and absorb their anger because they are unable to recognize that your rules and boundaries actually make sense and are in their best interest.

At the same time, it is quite developmentally appropriate for them to be pushing those boundaries, to be seeking the innovation and novelty that their brain craves at this stage. As a result, they may try new things, take new risks, and have new ideas (which, again, are likely not mediated by their undeveloped critical-thinking faculties).  You need to be their guardrails, especially now, and you need to know that playing this role will arouse pushback. That pushback, depending on your child’s nature, may be anywhere from mild to downright angry, mean and personal, so steel yourself for the inevitable first time it appears. It can hurt–it is designed to hurt. AND this is the moment when you need to remember everything that is happening in their brain (and yours!).

We all became parents (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not) with the idea that we would raise wonderful young people whom we would love and who would love us back. While we all may not admit it all the time, we love being loved back. We love it when our babies rush into our arms and give us a big hug, say they love us, make us proud and give us something to boast about. So when this all goes suddenly south, and the hurtful words fly at you like daggers, you need to be ready.

Ready to do what?

NOT to fire back. The tween or teenage brain can’t think critically yet. The executive function is not yet fully online, and when young teens are emotionally “red-lining” (so emotionally overloaded they are screaming, crying, etc.), their judgment is overwhelmed by their emotions. That is the moment for both of you to pause. Take a breather, take a walk. Say, “We are both upset right now; let’s take a break and come back to this in…,” and set specific time to come back together. This approach allows both you and your child time for your emotions to cool and for thinking a bit about what just happened.

When you do come back together, have a plan: acknowledge what it is that your child wants, and make clear what you are and are not willing to do and why. If appropriate, consider telling your child when or how things might change in the future. Acknowledging what your child wants  at least communicates that you were listening, even if you don’t capitulate. As adolescents mature and develop executive control and good decision-making skills, the more you and they will be able to develop better understanding and a feel for what is working and how your relationship is changing and growing over time.

There were moments when my own children were this age when I said things to them like, “I will always love you, but right now I do not like your behavior at all.” And of course they would say a host of nasty things back to me that were not nearly so measured or nice. The good news is that this stage does not last forever. While I cannot promise they will all magically re-emerge one day and be running back into your arms with love, most do move on and become the independent young adults you yourself eventually became. However, just as you did not adopt all the values and behaviors of your parents, neither will your children. At some point (and you need to decide when that is—at a certain age, when they move out of your house, when they are off your “payroll”), you have to move from making the rules for them to advising them on choices and letting them make the rules for themselves. This transition is not easy, but we have to let go and watch (and watch as they make their own mistakes sometimes as adults, too).

In the meantime, your job as a parent during these hard days and months and years isn’t to be liked. We all want to be liked, especially by our own children, but at this age, being liked simply may not always be possible, nor in their best interest. Your children have friends; they need you to be a parent. The days of developmentally appropriate resistance really don’t last forever. At some point, the doors can go back on in the house.

Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She is currently the head of school at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, OR. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.  

Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.