For What It’s Worth…
As parents, we spend a lot of our time worried about our children’s mental health. Is their self-esteem (how they think about themselves) strong enough to withstand the risks and challenges that are coming?
But how do we help our kids find their self-worth and keep it? How do we help them never need to ask the question, “Am I enough?” when they are teens or adults, when we know the answer is, “Of course you are! You always have been and the right people will see that…”? Well, the answer may surprise you, because the answer begins with us and begins at their birth.
It turns out that self-worth isn’t something we need to establish in our children–well, not at least the way we think. If we assume our children are all born “worthy” and inherently good to begin with, then what happens to disrupt that sense of self-worth and leave our children vulnerable to not knowing or believing they have it? The answer may surprise you, because it may well start, unintentionally, with us.
When we criticize our children, rather than their behavior, we unintentionally send a message that their “worth” is in question, or worse still, that they have less worth and are not “enough” for us. Gradually over time, this idea takes root and builds in them, or, I should say, their worth erodes to the point that the innate sense of their original worth disappears from memory, and what remains is a need to rebuild a feeling of worthiness, a need they satisfy by turning to sources outside of themselves.
When we rely only on others for our worth, we leave ourselves vulnerable to everything: to the positive sense of ourselves reflected back to us by our friends and also to the often more powerful negative dangers of the social jungle–to peer pressure, to bullying, to being a victim, to manipulation, to being taken advantage of. Recently, journalists have reported stories about tween boys spending hundreds of dollars (presumably theirs or their parents’ money) “smellmaxxing” or buying expensive cologne they see “influencers” online using and recommending. Other stories feature teen girls who spend hours and hundreds of dollars on skin care products and beauty aids and routines they see “influencers” recommending (and some of those products are actually dangerous). Lacking a strong sense of their own worthiness, our children are looking outside themselves to people and products that will make them feel valuable to others and, consequently, valuable to themselves. While people will always care what others think and will want to be liked, we also need a strong sense of our own self-worth—independent of the opinions of others—as a base for assessing for ourselves the judgments and motives of others. If our own worth has been stripped away, destabilized, or crushed, then we look to others to fill that need, and we suffer the consequences.
So how can we best prepare our children for success and protect them from being vulnerable to external forces? By believing that they come into this world already equipped with a sense of their worthiness and sustaining and strengthening it for as long as we possibly can. As parents, we enjoy a unique position to protect or to destroy it because our words and actions have the most weight and influence, especially in the early years of their life. Reminding our children they have worth and that their worth doesn’t change, regardless of circumstance or mistake, can and will make a difference. They are enough just as they are–shaped the way they are, looking the way they look, with whatever individual differences they have, regardless of what others think. It’s easier said than believed, but if we start those messages early, and keep them going, we can help them build resistance to and resilience for all those times external forces try to tear them down or tear them apart or take advantage of them.
So for what it’s worth, remind yourself and your children of their innate value, and that that doesn’t change regardless of circumstance, any more than your love for them does.
Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She is currently the head of school at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, OR. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.