Boys will be boys…

Really?

Did you just read that headline and have that reaction? Or did you sigh, and think, “You don’t need to tell me that…”. As the parent of two now wonderful men (ages 26 and 33), I can safely say, at some point, I have had both reactions and then some!

While my work in schools may have often (but not always) focused on girls, I have discovered that all children, as they grow, share similar developmental and (perhaps) gender trajectories, but not solely because of genetics as we may suspect. And even when we, as parents, do our utmost to work against stereotyping, we may be left scratching our heads when our kids do things that end up fitting into those “boxes.”

Yes, I was that parent–I tried to provide my boys all kinds of non-stereotypical, non-gender toys as they grew, and yet they always chose the trucks, the balls, the sports. (I did the same for my girls, who interestingly also chose the trucks, the balls, and the sports.) I also knew parents whose boys chose different toys, including dolls. The only dolls my boys would choose were action figures who then, despite my kids not watching tv, engaged in the most vicious fight scenes one could imagine! I was perpetually baffled, yet here were these kids for whom clearly I was not the only influence, and they were indeed making choices I would not necessarily have picked for them.

Given there is no “all-ism” for children (all boys are like this, all girls are like that, etc.), our children are universally inundated with daily messages that affect their development. Boys still get messages about what feelings are OK to express and which are not. Boys tend to pick up on the fact that anger is an OK emotion, but expressing sadness (crying) and even compassion can make them appear “weak.” These are the exact kinds of messages I used to try to combat. While my methodology may not always have been orthodox, I used any opportunity as a teachable moment, yes, even in front of friends–never with a goal of embarrassing or humiliating anyone, but I would also not shy away from addressing a comment or situation with facts or information.

As they grew, however, and we were able to engage in conversations with more depth, it became clear that, at times, I was not nearly as influential as their peers and various media. And since they were constantly hearing these messages from their friends, the tv, the internet, and every other source, I decided my messages needed to be equally unrelenting and repetitive. Although I lived through countless eye-rolls and forehead slaps and was typically met with, “Mom, we know,” I chose not to back off. After all, those sending all the other messages weren’t backing off. Why should I?

So, when did my boys become the amazing young men that they currently are? I would say amazing has always been within them, but there were plenty of years when I worried, when they certainly didn’t show their best selves–at least not to me. However, every so often, another parent would remind me (often to my complete surprise) what lovely houseguests they were; they offered to help with dishes after dinner or they were the only ones to make the bed after a sleepover (and my reaction, internally at least, was, “Are you sure you are talking about my sons?”). These things rarely happened in my house and certainly not without many reminders or threats that we weren’t leaving to go someplace until the chores had been done. It was reassuring to hear that, outside of the house, the lessons might have had some traction. These moments bolstered my confidence that my basically wonderful sons were winning the struggle against rising tide of toxic cultural messages.

So while putting up with smelly soccer boots, grumpy mornings, and bad manners at home, what can we be doing for our boys to help guide them to be the wonderfully whole, healthy men we believe they can be? Here are some thoughts:

–Model the behaviors you want them to emulate–at any age–especially dads or same-gendered parents, older siblings or relatives.

–Take advantage of teachable moments that occur naturally to make a point or have a discussion, beginning with questions about what you observe (rather than commenting or offering your opinion on what you see) and engage in an authentic conversation (not lectures disguised as conversation).

–Know that you will need to repeat yourself many times, in many different ways, in many different situations. No need to apologize or worry about it. And also know you may not always get a response. Your not getting a response does not mean your child isn’t listening or that your message isn’t landing…give it time.

–Sometimes you won’t see the fruits of your labor for years. Some children grow in fits and starts. It may feel like touch-and-go for a while; don’t give up and don’t give in. Children can act out with you and sometimes be their worst selves because you are safe to do that with (and it’s often not safe to do that elsewhere). Your remaining fair and firm, strong and loving, even when your children aren’t likable (in that moment) matters in the long run.

–Address gendered messages as soon and as often as they come up, in any context. Kids absorb messages all the time–and too often you will not be there when stereotypical or misogynistic messages are delivered in front of or around your children. So when you are there, call them out and explain why these messages are problems, every time. When the messages stop, so can you.

–Address the mistake and try to critique the behavior, not the person. Kids live whatever labels we give them (intentionally or otherwise). If we tell them they are “lazy,” “sloppy,” “mean,” or “dumb,” they will start to believe it (even if they won’t admit it). If, on the other hand, we say, “When you made that remark to that person, it hurt their feelings, and they felt awful. I know you are not mean-spirited, but I wonder what they think about your actions?” then we are focusing on the behavior and getting them to reflect on the impact of their actions (not just the intent).

–Present the full range of emotions as normal and human, and help them process them as they come up (which includes identifying and naming the emotion that is being felt, which is sometimes the hardest part!).

–Realize that even great kids make mistakes, sometimes even very bad mistakes. They are still great kids. We all made mistakes growing up; making them is how we learn (and even if we wish to help our kids avoid the same mistakes we made, we can’t always succeed–ask your parents!).

Raising boys, raising children means preparing for everything, bracing for the worst, and being delighted when it doesn’t happen. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Now that my children are officially “grown up” (out of the house, holding jobs, independent, compassionate, and each quite individual), I am delighted and feel remarkably lucky. It was not always this way; it was not easy; there were plenty of rough moments, rough weeks, even rough years, but in the end, it was all worth the struggle.

Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She is currently the head of school at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, OR. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.  

Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.