Back to School Anxiety…the good, the bad, and what a parent can do

Losing sleep before school starts? This may describe both you and your kids.

You may be counting off the things you still have left to do, the items you still have to get organized or purchased, the tutors lined up, the rides, the after-school programs, oh, yes—the rides back from those, the lunches, the forms, the permission slips, the online forms, etc., and that’s just for one child! Let’s face it—the beginning of the school year is daunting for parents.

Now let’s think about your kids.

Depending on the age of your child, the start of school brings with it its own set of anxieties. Some are common to all kids, but others bear watching more closely.

Sleep: Physical changes for all kids mean sleep-pattern changes with the start of school. Start the week ahead, and try to readjust slowly to the school cycle of bedtimes and wake-up times by easing back toward those schedules—and make it known that this is the plan if you can. Even if you can, expect a transition period where sleep is off, and mood is off.

Structure: Depending on the summer your children have had, school will be back to a very structured day (so your kids may be more tired the first few weeks if they are younger). Re-establishing routines for after-school times will become important again for homework, chores, sports, and general expectations right from the start.

Food: Time to stock up—back in the routine of having plenty of snacks to send (you will be shocked how a summer of growing leads to really hungry kids during the first weeks of school at around 10 am and 2 pm!) and a healthy lunch. Send MORE than last year—parents sometimes send the same lunches as previous years, forgetting their children have grown, and we end up with hungry kids! If you find your kids are bringing home leftovers, then you can gauge how much to send the following day.

Anxiety: Tip of the iceberg. Walking into school, new or old, with friends or without, in a uniform or in brand new outfits, all kids feel some level of anxiety. The environment, structure, social dynamics are new. The older the student, the more aware of the social status at stake the student is, the potentially higher the anxiety could be. Think back to your middle school days. . . Now add something most of us never had to deal with, which is the added running commentary of social media. Today’s middle school students may feel anxious before they set foot onto school property because they may feel scrutinized online. What can parents do? Don’t minimize what your children are feeling—listen and empathize—which means, not taking over the conversation, either. This is very real and very hard for them, and while it is not the same kind of stress we experience in the workplace, it is the equivalent. We can teach them resilience and problem-solving by working with them to help them first identify the problems (often the step most kids miss) and then helping them identify options (but don’t solve problems for them!! You wont always be there in the future. Help them learn how to do it themselves, so when you are not there one day, they CAN do this themselves). Then help them evaluate the options and choose. If they end up choosing an option, afterwards have them evaluate how it went. Most importantly, keep the conversation going. Keep talking. Let them know they can always just talk and you will listen. Sometimes, that is the only thing needed to reduce anxiety.

Technology: Technology begins to creep into kids’ lives earlier and earlier and more pervasively depending on the school and, admittedly, the family culture. You simply need to be aware of certain truths. As kids get more into technology and social media in their middle school years, these only appear to connect kids more; in actuality, they end up isolating them. Texts, emails, social media sites are devoid of actual tone, except that which is inferred from an emoji or a few words. The harm is palpable and documented. Kids stay up late and stay connected for fear of missing something or being left out. No screen should be left in a bedroom at night, and parents should be connected to kids’ accounts through whatever age the parent feels makes sense (middle school? You get to decide…you’re the parents).

Grades and Grades: Just remember both of these are artificial. Chronological grades set up by students’ ages have nothing to do with how our brains grow. Funny, right? Do your best as a parent to look at your children as the lovely unique children they are without comparing them to their classmates, whose size and gifts are entirely different. And then take a moment to thank their teachers for wrangling that incredible class of uniquely gifted and sized students all at the same time and moving them all forward in a differentiated way! Which is another reason why grades (as in letter grades) sort of don’t make sense either, since every child is so different and special, really—they’re all starting from a uniquely different place all of the time!

Fail Forward: Mistakes WILL happen and are learning opportunities, not failures.

New school years are exciting and should be—anxiety is part of excitement and can be turned into excitement if we manage it positively. We don’t want to “fix” all of this for our kids; that’s not how to build strong and resilient kids. We want to teach them how to problem-pose and problem-solve for themselves and set them up for success. With a little preparation and the right mindset, we can all be well on our way to another wonder-filled year.

Marja Brandon is head of Woodland School in Portola Valley, CA. This article was published on her blog and is posted here with permission from Marja Brandon.

Like most of the pictures on ParentsAssociation.com, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.

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