What’s all this about independence?
Starting at about age 18 months, my son’s favorite phrase became, “NO! By myself!” It didn’t matter what my request of him was–could I help going up the stairs, could I pick him up, could I help with a meal, could I help getting dressed? The answer was always the same, “NO! By myself!” While this inevitably slowed down any progress I wanted to make (adult speed and toddler speed are invariably quite different, and, except in an actual emergency or true time crunch, I permitted the toddler-time schedule to take precedence), it tested my patience no end.
However, our children’s need to develop independence and try things “by themselves” doesn’t just happen as toddlers. It begins there, but as we all may know or experience, it comes roaring back as they enter the teenage years. What makes this new, more intense push to independence so challenging is that, from the toddler years to tweenage-dom, all our focus as parents has been on care-giving and protection. Were our kids dressed warmly enough? Did they weigh enough at doctor visits? Later, the questions became, how were they doing in school at parent-teacher conferences? Where are they going at night, and who they are with? And then suddenly, our role changes. While we must still protect and nurture our children, we sometimes forget (and it’s easy to do so) that our real goal is to raise independent young adults who actually don’t need us anymore. That is what success looks like—an independent adult (even if we don’t really want to admit it!).
Developmentally, our children’s need for independence does not happen all at once. In fact, for quite a while they truly do continue to enjoy our company and are “home bodies.” However, somewhere as they turn the corner of their tweens, something magical happens. They quite appropriately begin to turn from their parents to their peers and push against parents in all kinds of new ways. While this is developmentally perfectly natural, for those of us in the parent seat, it can feel like being doused with cold water. That loving child who had been so much fun to have around may now prefer to be on their phone (if you have permitted that) in their room or “hanging” with their friends. You have now become a very pale second choice, if that. I won’t lie; it doesn’t feel great, and sometimes it happens so quickly, it can leave you feeling like you did something wrong. You do need to remember, it is not you; this is supposed to happen, and (here’s the important part) they need you still to be their parent, not their friend.
From the moment this conversion happens, your teen will be testing the waters, pushing away and pushing against authority and you, their parent. They are seeking more independence in a multi-year run-up to the moment when they truly are ready to be on their own. No, they are not ready yet, but measure your responses to their behavior during this time period well, and you will be able to give larger and larger tastes of that coveted independence, complete with inevitable consequences, so they get a true feel of freedom while the safety net is still in place. For many children, this transition may involve getting their first job (babysitting–knowing their parents are close enough by to call if something goes wrong or they have a question–working at a fast food place with an odd boss, raking leaves but not doing a great job and not being asked back, etc.), or being able to go out to a first party on their own, provided they text at certain points and don’t miss a check-in (miss one check in and the next party may not happen).
As your teen succeeds with each successive task or request, the next one reveals itself. The process won’t necessarily be linear because growth itself is not. There will be mistakes and consequences for attempts which don’t work. These are all valuable parts of the process that you, the safety net, are providing while you can, before these mistakes start happening when you are not there. What makes these early mistakes so valuable for their future is processing and discussing them as they happen (or perhaps the next day when you yourself feel the moment is less charged) and without the immediate emotion that may be associated with a really tough mistake (they go in the car with a friend who has been drinking; they sneak out after being told no; they lie to you…).
The roles of parent and caregiver are invaluable at this point–the pushback is invaluable at this point. You are the training ground for their future, and they need these increasing trials of independence, even if terrifying to us (letting them drive?!), to truly be prepared for life as an adult. They are learning to be adults with your guidance, from the safety net you provide, from the very necessary feedback as they try to solo, mess up, and try again. When we were teens, none of us got this right the first time, and none of us magically arrived at adulthood prepared for everything. The hard part of being a parent is letting our kids push against us, be angry with us, be sullen, choose their friends over us, and harder still is, when they make mistakes (and they will), working with them, helping them to understand the mistakes from a place of loving them, and then letting them try again, even if doing so terrifies us.
The good news? While this process is bumpy, hard, messy, and uncomfortable when you are in the midst of it, your children do arrive on the other side of it at some point. The learning obviously never stops, and they continue to grow, make mistakes and often have to process those only with themselves in the absence of any provided safety net. However, sometimes, even adult children do still phone (text) for advice, thoughts, and to ask your opinion. If you have raised kids who don’t need you anymore, then you have, in fact, succeeded as a parent. If they still want to spend time with you (not need to), well that is a bonus you can’t put a price on: You have won the lottery.
Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She is currently the head of school at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, OR. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.