This is an article about suicide

I suppose that is a trigger warning, yet I don’t like the term “trigger warning” since, truthfully, it is a gun reference. As a head of school, I have discovered that there are several truly awful things which keep me up at night, which we all fear, and, sadly, which, despite our best efforts, we cannot always prevent. The death of any of our children or staff is at the top of that list.

Recently at my school, an urban school sitting just under some freeway overpasses, someone not connected to our school tragically decided to end his own life by leaping from the overpass to the road below, next to my school. Thankfully, none of our children saw the actual event, and the town’s first responders did everything they could to prevent the vast majority of students from seeing the aftermath (as did the staff at school who were amazing in their efforts to protect one another and our children from viewing anything). However, there was still plenty to process.

While we want to believe that all suicide is preventable, we can actually never say “all.” But many suicides are preventable if help can be offered in a timely and ongoing way. For children, who are more impulsive and shorter-term thinkers, if we can interrupt the negative thinking loop in which they can be caught and show them that help is available and that circumstances can change (life does get better), then, sometimes, that is the break they need to avoid tragedy.

Among children 15 to19 years old, suicide is the second leading cause of death, and the leading cause of death among 14- to 15-year-olds (according to the CDC). Risk factors for suicide in youth include factors like mental illness, prolonged stress, abuse, neglect, trauma, drug or alcohol abuse, even access to a weapon or prior experience with suicide of a family member or friend. There may well be warning signs that we can look out for:

• cutting off contact with friends and family members
• losing interest in activities they used to enjoy
• increased mood swings, sudden changes in behavior
• increased use of drugs or alcohol
• change in sleep and eating patterns
• giving away possessions or calling people to say goodbye
• preoccupation with death (recurring themes of death or self-destruction in artwork or written assignments, researching ways to die)
• previous attempts to harm themselves
• recklessness

It’s true that many of these warning signs may look a lot like the onset of adolescence (sleep and appetite changes, recklessness, some behavioral changes); however, when these signs become pervasive and begin to happen in conjunction with some of the other signs, adults need to pay attention because these may be indications of more than just adolescent moodiness.

So how can we help, exactly? Potential suicide is frightening to think about, and adults also fear causing more harm by raising the issue with a child, yet these fears may stop people from trying to help and may, in fact, make matters worse.

The best prevention for suicide is for children to know they have someone in whom they can confide, to whom they can talk about anything, no matter how upsetting. Open communication matters, and sometimes children won’t tell family members how they are feeling because they fear the reaction they might elicit, or they are afraid of being judged or afraid of the potential interventions and loss of control. Letting your children know they can talk to you about anything and knowing and telling them that your first response will be to listen may make all the difference.

You need to build your children’s trust over time, not just wait until a crisis looms. Start early in their life by establishing the habit of having clear and direct discussions with them and listening carefully to their responses to your non-judgmental questions. The result will be that your children will trust you to create a safe space in which they can share even the most frightening of feelings.

If you suspect or are worried about suicide, you need to be prepared to ask directly if your child has thought about suicide or had suicidal feelings or thought of harming themselves. While this sounds frightening, multiple studies show people do not start thinking about suicide because someone suggests it or asks about it. In fact, if your child has indeed had these thoughts, your broaching the subject will instantly result in relief that you brought it up and they did not have to. You will have removed the fear of telling you this very heavy topic and created room now to work on the actual issues together.

If your child has thought of suicide (only thought about it), then it’s time to both talk and seek professional help. If, as you talk to your child, you discover that they have a plan and/or they have means (they have either a weapon or pills, or they say they have the way to do it but will not disclose it), then it’s time to get help immediately without leaving your child alone until help has arrived. Your primary care doctor, a local crisis team, or even the ER has people in place who can help. The national 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can also help (call or text) or you can find more information at 988lifeline.org.

While we cannot prevent every tragedy, we can inform ourselves and then do whatever we can to try to help. Sometimes, there is nothing more we could have done, but sometimes, our actions not only will be enough but will save a life.

Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She is currently the head of school at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, OR. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.  

Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.