Teaching Consent About More Than Just Sex
Although we have heard more about “consent” recently, nearly every time it is in reference to some kind of sexual situation. Consent is vital to understand in terms of actually having sex; however, all children need to understand the concept of consent well before they reach the age of consent in order to truly make it “work.”
Consent by definition is an agreement to do something, and although there are technically four kinds of consent (implied, express, informed for medical issues, and unanimous or general for groups or associations), when it comes to issues of sex or anything to do with our bodies, we are only ever talking about express consent, where affirmation is actively given, not implied, inferred, or assumed, even from past or prior actions. Active, express consent is conscious, voluntary, sober, and ongoing–it is not lack of resistance, lack of objections, or silence.
But long before we get to those somewhat nuanced and charged conversations, consent can be learned and practiced in important ways to build a foundation for understanding what consent is truly meant to protect. Consent in these instances is ultimately about bodily autonomy, choice, and boundaries, and that understanding can and should be taught early to children since it protects them at every age.
When I teach even children as young as preschool, we focus on body boundaries: Everyone has their own. No one is permitted access to my body without my permission; this is a right belonging to everyone. This lesson is part of teaching “stranger danger” and part of teaching even young children about maintaining their own space. Yes, there are times when people like your parents or a doctor will need to touch you or see you, but even then, they will ask. Therefore, as parents, we must not force our kids to “kiss Grandma goodbye” or “go give your Uncle a big hug.” Doing those kinds of acts should always be preceded by requests (either made directly by Grandma or an uncle to the child or by the parent of the child), and should have options (a high five, a wave) if, indeed, the child is not comfortable about giving or receiving a kiss or hug at that moment, on that day, or ever. If we mean consent is a choice, it needs to be a choice we can’t override. Understanding this concept will better enable children to resist the blandishments or threats of someone with ill will or a skilled manipulator with ill intent. It will also simply prepare them as they move into and through adolescence to ward off and educate those whose understanding of consent is less clear. Parents need to take the lead, affirm, practice, praise, and use the word “consent” so that the concept becomes second nature to children as they mature.
The word “consent” can also be used in ways that don’t refer to body-related issues, and parents can explain and point out the differences (do you consent to share your toys, to go to an event, to agree to Apple’s terms of service…) and the potential consequences of giving or denying that kind of consent, as well.
Consent is a right and safety issue at the minimum, and teaching our children early to understand its meaning and value can only better protect them as they grow to fully comprehend all of its nuanced meanings.
Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.