Someone should say something…
Stuck at home with a teenager you don’t recognize? You successfully avoided each other for the first month, but as confinement drags out beyond 30 days, things are starting to feel awkward.
If you’re one of the lucky parents of an emotionally intelligent teen–one who knows how to get his or her needs met in a healthy way, can communicate candidly about their feelings, and has the internal mechanisms to manage this confinement without their BFF and posse–then you probably do not need this blog. However, many families find themselves weighing the risks between potentially contracting the virus and allowing their teen to hang out with friends, while social distancing of course, in order to avoid complete mental breakdown.
Another segment finds themselves throwing in the towel and giving up on family unity. With so much energy being spent on simply avoiding the virus and keeping everyone safe, there’s little will left for mood management. Suffice it that they are home and safe. Right now, safe is good enough.
In both scenarios, families are wrestling to adjust to a new, hopefully temporary, reality, one that is a far from everything we’ve striven to achieve. Our modern lives ride on a precarious balance of work, family, fun, personal/spiritual/aspirational pursuits. And while we’ve all been chasing the perfect work-life balance, we never bargained for that much family time. Being thus so conditioned to the rhythm of our 21st century existence, wherein we can safely accommodate 3-5 hours with our dearest ones, makes being stuck at home 24/7 with our families feel like punishment. Now back to the teenagers…
How do we build tolerance for endless family time and help our teens manage social isolation? Here are three tips to get you started.
- Start by making amends
In my experience, parents and teens have opposite stories of when and how they began to drift apart, with parents reporting recent and sudden shifts and the teens having no recollection of the last time they felt any kind of closeness to their parents. Of course, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. However, someone, probably the parent, needs to make 100% of the effort to reach out. Indeed, parents bear the responsibility for the health of the parent/child relationship. Swallow some humble pie and say you’re sorry. A cordial relationship with your teen pays dividends.
- Adjust your expectations
The wise parent will make a clear distinction between bonding time and “parenting time.” During bonding time, the goal is to be together in a relaxed, judgement-free engagement. Hopefully your teen won’t blow it out of the water by hitting you with the precipitous disclosure of their most secret deviant misdeed. Nevertheless, keep your eye on the prize: fun with teen. Compromise on what you’ll do during this time to ensure that your teen has a pleasant experience and you don’t blow a fuse. Most importantly, keep it to a comfortable duration so as not to overstay your welcome.
- Accept your lameness
You don’t know anything. You’ve never been cool. And you’re not going to bring back the good old days. If you can get beyond these harsh truths, then you’re half way there. Nothing shuts down the conversation faster than when parents try to convert their teens’ experiences into familiar olden versions. It does not compute. Instead, follow their lead and see their world through their eyes. Remember: fun not parenting. Keep an open mind as you seek to understand what makes your child tick. Acknowledgement is not endorsement.
One parent recently shared with me how their whole concept of confinement drastically changed once they realized that they’ll have an opportunity to spend more than three awake hours with their toddler. I am sure the parent never felt any guilt about not being home. It’s our way of life. At least it was. Yet, here we are. However long we have to bear this posture is beyond our control, but those who choose to make lemonade will be in much better stead. Albeit without a stand.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.