Rejection is normal, but not normalized

After a grueling college admissions process, I was excited to begin my journey at the University of Michigan. Yet, I was surprised by the campus’s intense culture of club recruitment and internship applications. At the beginning of each semester, I applied to some clubs but was hesitant to apply to others, intimidated by the grueling recruiting process and anxious about rejection.

Outside the realm of college clubs and internships, rejection is a universal experience. For instance, for every 11 to 15 jobs applicants apply to, they receive between 6 and 10 rejections. Similarly, rejection rates for college admissions have increased over the past few years. While a mismatch of skill sets or lack of experience can affect application decisions, high rejection rates often stem from a large number of applicants or from systemic issues like discriminatory Artificial Intelligence resume reviews. Therefore, rejection is inevitable in the process of searching for opportunities, and the reasons for a school or club to not extend an acceptance are frequently impersonal to the applicant.

Though we recognize that rejection is normal, we often do not normalize it. Our culture promotes the goal of minimizing rejection. Minimizing rejection, however, reinforces the negative stigma around it. Although we can, and should, strengthen our applications, the goal of preventing rejection through sheer determination overlooks the impersonal macro-level factors that inform application results. This can make rejections feel even more personal and demoralizing, as we only find ourselves to blame.

In addition to promoting a culture of avoidance, we struggle to normalize rejection by hiding our shared experiences. Rejection hurts our self-esteem, motivation and sense of belonging, and many find difficulty in separating personal identity and passion from a rejection of their application. It can also feel like a confirmation of our inadequacy for a role or reinforce our exclusion from an organization.

We often overlook the true extent of the feelings that rejection brings. In fact, the brain processes social rejection like it processes physical pain. By recognizing that feelings of social rejection are not mere emotions, we recognize the physiological depth of these experiences. The pain associated with rejection explains our desire to avoid the feeling and hide it from others.

This physiological dimension also contextualizes the nuanced feelings of club rejections. A rejection from an organization is an exclusion not only from professional opportunities but from social opportunities, as well.

Alongside physical pain, comparison culture makes discussing rejection more difficult. Our peers’ journeys of seemingly consistent success reinforce perceptions that our rejections reflect our personal inadequacy. By associating rejection with failure, we link it with shame and a lack of belonging with peers, whose success we idealize. Feelings of failure and shame drive imposter syndrome and further discourage us from speaking about our personal experiences.

To counter this culture and normalize rejection, we need to ditch the mindset of avoiding rejection and accept this experience as inevitable and universal. Furthermore, when we encounter rejection, we should recognize the decision as unreflective of our personal identity and limit our participation in comparison culture. To prevent ourselves from idealizing others, we can reduce our usage of social media platforms like LinkedIn, which craft distorted narratives of our peers’ journeys and conceal their personal challenges.

Beyond personal reflection, we should normalize rejection by finding solidarity with others. From throwing rejection parties to creating a shared spreadsheet with each friend’s rejections, we can embrace the universality of rejection and dispel the narrative that processing rejection is an inherently lonely experience. Through celebration, we can also counteract feelings of failure and shame.

Even without rejection parties, we can still find solidarity by embracing similar experiences. When talking about rejection is difficult, we can find power by processing decisions honestly together and empathizing with those on social media who unabashedly share their personal stories of rejection. Practicing vulnerability is far more powerful than repeating platitudes or unmotivational quotes.

While removing the negative connotation from rejection may cause some to work less efficiently, this destigmatization ultimately should not discourage us from wanting certain opportunities, which means that we would still diligently complete applications. Furthermore, normalizing rejection delinks our personal worth from results and empowers us to pursue more opportunities when fears of rejection no longer impede us.

Aware that my application experiences have just started, I remind myself of the inevitability and universality of rejections. As I overcome my fears, I find myself applying for opportunities that I would have skipped a year ago, which empowers me to set more ambitious goals. Making rejection both normal and normalized, I can embrace shared experiences with others and will start planning my own rejection parties with my peers.

Sarah Zhang is a student at The University of Michigan. This article was originally published in The Michigan Daily and is posted here with permission from Sarah Zhang.

Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.