Learning Disabilities, Learning Differences and Neurodiversity, Oh My!

As a kid growing up with learning differences, especially those not diagnosed until I was older (19!), I have learned a few things about what works and what gets in the way as a learner and as a person whose brain works differently. Back then, there was never a discussion of being “neurodiverse,” in fact, it was made pretty clear to me that I was disabled based on how different I was from the other kids around me and in my family. But times have changed and we know so much more now.

First thing to know is that all brains are different. This lesson alone is invaluable. The term “neurodiversity” acknowledges natural variations from brain to brain. There is no one way to learn, one way to teach, one “best learning style.” In fact, the term “learning style” alone is misleading and fraught with controversy. Neuroscientists will tell you there is no such thing, and that by being taught “one learning style,” you learn to favor one and fail to develop other ways you could possibly learn. We do have ways we learn best, but we also have to recognize different teaching techniques and methods and become adaptive enough to use whatever tools we have at our disposal to make any situation work. (More about that in another article.)

When it comes to understanding our own brain, language matters in more ways than one. What we call learning differences and how we learn to manage them are connected. Kids, like me, with learning differences, be they dyslexia, ADD, dysgraphia, dyspraxia, auditory processing differences, etc., live with more stress and anxiety than kids without these challenges. Seems logical, but I am talking about a lot of stress. For kids who have these differences, managing their world every day is a puzzle that needs piecing together, sometimes from the moment they wake up. Imagine their life: Sometimes they wake up to a confusing chorus of commands: rise and shine, wash up, brush your teeth, come down for breakfast, get your books and homework together, make sure you put your gym clothes in your backpack. These kids have to break these commands down, put them in order, and get them done. After all, they want to please their parents. All kids do.

In fact, the one thing kids know and recognize is what the adults around them want. The mystery, and often source of incredible stress, is how to obey, especially given that they desperately want to obey. What can be even more stressful and frustrating is seeing the kids or siblings around them seeming to manage it all effortlessly. And worse still–they don’t have the words or language or understanding to explain why they CAN’T do it, why they can’t succeed, why they get distracted, why they fail and disappoint. Again and again. For kids with challenges, it can be a demoralizing cycle that produces anxiety on a daily basis, sometimes creating an overwhelming sense of defeat before they have even gotten to school. Some kids manifest their anxiety physically (nail biting, hair picking, acting out at school). Some  children are experts at hiding it. However, with some background and understanding, parents, teachers, and the kids themselves can develop strategies for reducing the anxiety and increasing the likelihood of success. Here are some things that do help:

• If you suspect a learning difference or any kind of neurodiversity, get your child tested. Testing helps identify the issues and begins to help both you and your child (and ultimately the teachers) know how to figure out what might help now and in the future. Testing does not stigmatize or limit a child, but not testing a child with a real learning difference just prolongs the frustration and anxiety and lets it go unnamed, often resulting in blaming the child for behavior beyond the child’s control.
• Teach them a bit about their brain—like all brains are different, not just theirs, and that intelligence is malleable, not fixed, and grows stronger the more you use it and work at it. Teach them a “growth mindset” (the work of Carol Dweck at Stanford).
• By recognize the differences and naming them and by helping children understand what is going on, you empower them. When you give them the words to understand themselves, you give them a tool to help them explain their way of learning to others.
• Help them build systems of support. What works to support their differences at home and at school? Do they need white boards with lists and boxes they can check off (make bed, get dressed, brush teeth, pack lunch, pack homework, grab backpack, grab sports bag, grab backpack…)? Do they need email reminders as they get older? Once they have a cellphone, can they set alarms or reminders on the phone? Can they use task lists? Every child is different, so the support systems will also look different for each child.
• Build resilience. Even with great systems in place, schedules change, and systems break down. I can’t tell you how often I have been brought to my knees by losing my phone or missed an appointment because I lost track of my schedule or system. It is OK to get knocked down; it is not OK not to get back up again.
• Build confidence. Learning differences are just that—differences NOT disabilities. Yes, they can get in the way, and yes, they can be really annoying, but they are obstacles not stopping points. Kids with learning differences end up stronger, tougher, and often more creative as a result of these differences, and that is something to be proud of. Increasingly, the world is coming to understand the value of these differences.
• Keep a sense of humor. Because these kids are so creative, they sometimes have incredible senses of humor (because sometimes they have to as a defense mechanism). Mistakes are not the end of the world, and differences can be worked through.
• Build self-esteem. While kids with learning differences may struggle in some areas, they excel in others. Look for what they are good at and what interests them, and while they are working on the areas in which they struggle, don’t neglect their areas of strength. Let them be and feel successful while working on their weaknesses. Remember the old bicycling adage: “Race your strengths, train your weaknesses.”
• Teach and praise effort, so they know they will have done what they can, and make sure they admit it when they haven’t put forth their best effort. A learning difference is not an excuse and shouldn’t be used as one.
• Set high, developmentally appropriate standards, and tell your kids that with hard work, and with time put into figuring out what works best, they can achieve those high standards. Let them know that you are their ally and will help them.

Kids who are neurodiverse, who have learning differences, will always have some kind of struggle to reckon with since they will not outgrow them. However, what they can do is learn how to manage their differences and how to achieve their goals regardless. What you can do is tell them you understand that often the struggle is frustrating and hard and stressful, but that together, you will get through it successfully. Because that is a life lesson we all need.

Nationally-recognized visionary in the areas of educational system improvement and innovation, educational consultant Marja Brandon has been a teacher, head of school, and founder of Seattle Girls School. She volunteers to offer advice and writes articles for TeensParentsTeachers.  Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.