Humility: We Need It Now More Than Ever

When was the last time your child sulked when you asked her to take out the garbage? How loudly did your son complain when his sibling took the last cookie? Does your daughter regularly ignore your pleas to get in the car as she and her friends giggle and stare at their phones? Or how about that exasperated grumble you get when you ask your son to put his phone away at the dinner table?

This has happened to many of us. I can confidently say that the vast majority of parents are well-versed in raising children who don’t seem to possess one ounce of humility. Of course, that’s not true 100% of the time – or even 50% of the time for some children – however, it might be reassuring to know that it’s developmentally appropriate for children, and particularly adolescents and teens, to act selfishly.

As much as parents and educators would like their offspring to lead with humility, it may seem counter-intuitive to demand this of them. After all, their rapid development, particularly during adolescence, is all about self-absorption, comparing themselves to others, and promoting their best attributes in pursuit of popularity, security, and independence.

Kids are naturally selfish as they focus inward in an effort to figure out who they are. This can look like self-indulgence as they think less about others and engage in conflict with peers and adults.

Humility is a character trait worthy of the spotlight. Humility literally means low, as in a state of insignificance in the context of one’s peers, community, or the greater world. To exhibit humility is to remove the concept of self. Humility is about putting one’s own wants and impulses on hold, and instead, focusing on others and on the greater world.

Humility has never been more important than it is today in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic. Now, more than ever, we need to put others ahead of ourselves. That means giving up a lot of the rights and freedoms that have guided our lives up until now. We are staying home to protect ourselves from the virus, but perhaps more importantly, to protect our community, our nation, and the world. Students are learning online at their kitchen tables in the company of their parents and siblings. Children cannot get together in person with their friends; meaningful events like birthday parties, athletic contests, and school activities have been postponed or cancelled

Amy Eva, PhD., from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, says the ability to see beyond yourself and discover a sense of purpose go hand in hand. While researchers have found that adolescents typically don’t exhibit selflessness, don’t lose hope! There are ways that parents can promote humility in their children:

1. Cultivate your child’s passions. Is she interested in animals, global warming, a particular art form? Look for ways to connect her to organizations in the community, help her write a letter to a congressman, or take her to an art exhibit (when it’s safe to do so). Making these gestures not only shows your child you support her interests, but it also encourages her to shift her attention outward.
2. Engage in meaningful discussions. When you see someone’s act of kindness toward others – whether it be in your home, in your neighborhood, or in the greater community or world – discuss the impact it has on others. Ask your child how he can connect this example to his own life. Listen to his ideas and ask questions to extend his thinking.
3. Model empathy and pro-social behavior. By giving back to others, you are modeling humility and generosity, whether it’s donating your time in the school cafeteria, participating in a City Council meeting, or spending an afternoon with an elderly friend. Your child will see the benefits of how you think about and give to others, and he will likely want to emulate you.
4. Help your child understand her real value. Make sure your child understands you love her simply because she’s your child, not because of external accomplishments, such as earning high praise for an assignment or getting a leading role in the performance.
5. Teach your child the value of a sincere apology. Our kids are going to make mistakes – we all do. It’s important they learn to take responsibility for a misstep and apologize genuinely so they can learn from the experience and move forward with dignity.
6. Teach your child that gratitude is the sincerest form of humility. When we appreciate and thank others, we are automatically transferring our focus to another human being in an unassuming and humble way. We can’t say “thank you” often enough, yet each time we do, we sow another seed of humility that will grow into a beautiful bouquet of goodness.

Humility is key for developing strong relationships, personal well-being, and happiness. It’s a necessary character trait to instill in our children as they mature into the next phase of their lives. Tonight when your son or daughter lets out a loud sigh of exasperation when you ask them to clear the table after dinner, assure them their contribution to the family’s well-being is creating life-long habits of humility and generosity that will help them grow into successful adults. And then wait for the eye roll.

Brenda Stockdale is the Head of the Middle School at Aspen Country Day School in Aspen, CO. She has worked in middle school education for 35 years.

Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.