Be Your Authentic Self
By 2005, when Angela Merkel became the first female chancellor of Germany, she had already amassed years of successful leadership at different levels of the Christian Democratic Union of Germany. She had nothing to prove. However, a tabloid scandal about wardrobe choices early in her tenure might have doubled her resolve that she would not seek to be all things to all people. She would be the Chancellor. Period. So decided, she set out to ensure that her leadership and policies would be the focus of future news reports and media stories instead of her fashion preference. She opted for a “uniform” of a simple colored jacket, black slacks and low-heeled black pumps, which became emblematic of her leadership style: pragmatic, consistent and sensible. Merkel, who stepped down in 2021, went on to be the longest serving Chancellor in Germany’s history. While opinions regarding her legacy may differ across affiliations, one thing remains undeniable about her: She was no pleaser.
In popular parlance, “pleasers” or people-pleasers, are overly concerned with making other people happy. Consequently, they sometimes go to great lengths to satisfy others at their own detriment. Not all pleasers fit into that definition, however. A subset of pleasers, let’s call them transactional pleasers, seeks to earn the appreciation and recognition of a select “It” group by aligning themselves with or mimicking behaviors of said group. Adherence to the code earns them the seal of approval of the “elect.” Sadly, once in the club, pleasers quickly discover that their membership must be maintained through further pleasing.
While this scenario may sound like the dynamics of a high-school clique, secret society or pyramid scheme, the reality is that a society-wide pull to conform to a certain norm has become ubiquitous. And this is not a veiled commentary regarding the current political atmosphere. From fashion and hobbies to lifestyle and identity, there is a growing sense that one must identify with and fit into specific categories or classes. These classes are spearheaded by gatekeepers, life-style gurus, public figures, celebrities, influencers or other self-appointed pioneers, whose role it is to set the pace for the masses. Everyone must fit into a specific class which becomes one’s identity. Not fitting a category is tantamount to having no “recognized” identity, and the consequence is nonexistence.
Such is the reality of many. I have encountered teenagers and adults in therapy who struggle with their sense of otherness. Girls whose bodies are not shaped like those glamorized in the media wonder if they are “normal.” Mothers berate themselves for not keeping a trim figure, not being a socially active volunteer-of-the-year, while also managing, full-time employment, 2.5 kids and a household. Boys withdraw because they prefer science experiments to Play Stations and cannot speak of the latest video game. Those folks feel that they are falling short of the criteria for their respective demographic. Their perceived failure engenders all kinds of anxiety and depressed emotions. While we may rush to label them as suffering from low self-esteem or an inferiority complex, it is best to consider the root causes of their laments: believing that they need to fit into a mold, that It is not enough to simply be who they are.
Contrary to its growing misusage, being one’s authentic self is not about indulging every whim or shunning self-discipline. Instead, it encompasses valuing one’s unique attributes, being self-aware and cognizant of one’s strengths and weaknesses, while simultaneously appreciating how those personal characteristics may register with the larger society. It involves an intentional choice to collaborate with or depart from trends, ideologies or norms that are inconsistent with personal values. It also includes accepting the rejection and dismissal of dissenters. It is an internally-focused acceptance, rather than an extrinsically-determined comparison.
Those who seek to be their authentic selves examine their motives closely. They weigh their choices in light of their goals and ideals. They monitor their functioning for external influences and assess whether those influences align with their own value systems. Additionally, being one’s authentic self implies pursuing personal growth and self-mastery. It envisions those goals as a solo marathon; each journey is distinct to the individual. It embraces self-improvement as a path to solidifying innate strengths in the service of positively contributing to one’s environment and society. It is to be the best and most genuine version of oneself.
Anna Wintour–a fashion guru and certainly one of those gatekeepers–said of Angela Merkel, “She is someone who knows who she is. I don’t have the impression she is trying to disguise herself.” In fact, while the decision to honor one’s authentic self is seldom initially lauded, the legacy of being true to oneself is an achievement that merits respect. An authentic sense of self is a source of happiness.
Sheila LeGrand is a licensed psychotherapist residing in Massachusetts with her husband and their three sons.
Like most of the pictures on TeensParentsTeachers, the picture posted with this article is courtesy of a free download from Pixabay.com.